In their clubhouse on Canberra Avenue, the shadowy Kanberra Kricket Klub is convening a special meeting to discuss this year’s budget proposals. All elected officials are present at the head table and a sizable contingent of Ordinary Members fill the plastic chairs lining the rear of the room.

Tony (Chair)

Welcome all. I see we have a uh quorum so I’ll declare this meeting open. Tonight we are here to discuss proposals put forward in Joe’s budget but, but, time allowing, we will deal with any ah General Business that arises.

Could I be the first to say ah Joe that I am ah I am greatly impressed and ah heartened to see that you have brought the Klub’s finances back into the, the, the black after such a shocking shortfall last season.

Joe

Thank-you Mr Chair. The Kanberra Kricket Klub can move forward this year with confidence and certainty now that the budget is showing a surplus.

Andrew

No! New! Taxes!

Tony

There will be NO NEW TAXES! How many times do I have to say it?

Joe (waving a single sheet of A4) (double spaced)

Have you bothered to read my briefing notes?

Tony

Malcolm, I think you are uh you are being uh obstructionist. I’m still not sure how it is that you are allowed to speak at these meetings.

Malcolm

Because when you shafted me, Tony, forty-nine percent of the Klub thought I should be given a position at the table.

Tony

Yeah but it’s not really a position, is it? Member in Charge of the Trophy Cabinet. The bloody thing’s ....... uh ....... the thing’s .... ah ......... the bloody thing’s bloodywell empty!

Malcolm

That’s not the point though is it? We wouldn’t want to be taken by surprise by a win this year and find we were unprepared to accommodate our shining achievement.

Win or lose, always be prepared, Mr Chair. Be very prepared.

A furtive movement in the doorway attracts the room’s attention. All eyes turn to a forlorn bespectacled figure slinking into a front row seat.

Tony

John! John? What are you doing here?

John

I was just passing and I thought perhaps you could use my help.

Barnaby

Having a bit of trouble filling your days, eh John? I’d have thought something on the world stage would be more in your league.

John

Yes. Ahem. As you very well know Barnaby, I put in for a job but they said I didn’t have enough experience. It seems running a country for eleven years wasn’t good enough for them. I thought some old friends (who owe me one or two favours) might be able to help with some on-the-job training. Deputy Chair perhaps, that sort of thing.

I’ve got over fifty-five years experience in watching cricket, you know.

Tony

That’s ah very kind of you John but as you can see we ah already have a Deputy Chair.

John

Yes but she’s a female. What does she know about googlies and doosras and yorkers and switch-hitting?

There is a loud crackling of electricity, the distinct smell of ozone in the air and a sickening crunching of bones and tendons as Julie turns her head through 360 degrees.

David

Oh knock it off Julie! We all know they’re just contact lenses.

John

That’s a neat trick with the ozone though. I could’ve used that back in the day.

Tony

John, we really ah must press on. You’re ah welcome to stay and observe if you like. Joe, the Treasurer’s Report.

Joe

Thank-you Mr Chair. Since you’re being so picky Malcolm, we’ll go through my COMPREHENSIVE briefing notes. First we rethought our border protection plans.

David

Oh no. We are still building the three metre fence around the oval, aren’t we?

Joe

Ah, no. Sorry David. It’s a bit complicated but what has happened is that Julie - thanks Jules, beaut job girlie - went round the neighbouring houses and collected pledges for money to help build the fence.

Barnaby

Why would they do that? Why pledge money for a fence which is of no bloody use to them

Julie

The erection of the fence would stop cricket balls smashing windows and damaging cars in nearby houses.

Sophie

You are joking, aren’t you? The pitch is five hundred metres from the nearest house.

Julie (glaring myopically)

Never-the-less SOPHIE, there were several instances of cricket balls going through windows at all hours of the day and night. They all thought it prudent to make a pledge towards the project. Co-incidentally, most pledges were roughly equivalent to the cost of a new window. Funny really.

Joe

Right, so. Julie has pledges for three thousand dollars. Bruce, our small businessman, has got a mate who was gonna put the fence up for half price, so that would have saved us another four grand and the local hardware shop was gonna knock 25% off the cost of materials - about five thousand dollars there.

(muttering) So that’s three plus four plus five, carry the one, multiply by ten, strike off two zeros, move the decimal point one place to the left, divide by ten and multiply by a thousand. Wow.

Since we’re not gonna build the fence now, we’ve saved TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS just on that one project alone.

(applause)

Malcolm

I don’t want to nitpick but how can you regard as savings, money which you haven’t collected

Joe

You surprise me Mal. This is Grade Eight Home Economics. If you don’t spend money then it’s a saving. Simple as that.

We were going to have to borrow twenty-eight thousand dollars to get the project started and now that we’re not building it, I wanted to put that money in the budget but Tony and Andrew thought we should save it for a rainy day.

Andrew

We may have to revise that bottom line figure, Joe. Some of the locals are paid-up members and reckon they would be coughing up twice. Some were threatening to boycott the club.

Unknown (from the back of the room)

Listen Monk-breath ........

Bronwyn

Boys. Boys. Play nice.

Tony & Joe

Sorry Bronnie.

Scott

I thought this was going to be a more consultative committee? It seems like you and Joe and Andrew and Julie are making all the decisions. Sounds like a gang of .......

Tony

Don’t you dare! Don’t you bloody dare! We are ..... we are uh ............ collegiate. We’re consulting with you now aren’t we? So. Scott. What do you think about ah shelving our new perimeter fence until such time as we are better able to afford it?

Scott

I don’t like it. I think we need a fence and we need it as soon as possible!

Tony

Good. Thank-you Scott. See. A free and uh fair exchange of views and I’m sure we’re a better committee for it. There WON'T be a fence. But you ah you were consulted. Next item.

Joe

Training. Unfortunately, we have had to scale back our weekend workshops from three this season to one.

Christopher

That’s a pretty big “scale back”. So who’s still coming? Greg Chappell, Glen McGrath or Shane Warne?

Joe

We’ve all got to tighten our belts, Chris. Luckily, John has pulled a few strings and we’ve got John Senden - rated number ninety-nine in the world - at a very reasonable price.

Christopher

But he’s a golfer!

John

Ricky Ponting is a keen golfer AND he’s a former number one batsman in the world. Third highest run scorer of all time, record-breaking captain, superb in the field - surely if it’s good enough for Ricky, it’s good enough for you.

Christopher

Look maybe we could pass the hat around and ......

Unknown (from the back of the room)

No! New! Taxes!

Joe

For goodness sake, will you be quiet! I’m sorry Chris, it was either the training budget or the wine list that got trimmed and this year you lose out.

Sophie, you can tell us more about the changes we’ve made to the BNS.

Tony Smith

No! Not my beautiful new scoreboard!

Sophie (terse)

We will not be going ahead with the proposed hi-tech hi-speed BNS (which we don’t need) and will instead be trialling different coloured fluoro chalk to make the numbers JUMP off the blackboard. This will also contribute to our LCE target - Low Carbon Emissions, Barnaby. By taking this decision we no longer need to borrow eighteen thousand dollars from the bank and we can count this as a saving.

Tony Smith

But it was going to pay for itself, renting it out as an advertising hoarding during the week. Five years! Five years and we would have had our money back and be turning a profit. Now we’ll be the laughing stock of the ACT. All of NSW probably. Not to mention Sweden. A blackboard! This is taking us back to the dark ages.

Ah! What’re you going to do when it rains?

Tony (snide)

When it rains you ah (chuckle) you ah ...... you can’t play Smithy.

(general laughter)

Malcolm

What’s this at Item Four? A PPL? What’s that?

Joe

This is Tony’s idea so I’ll let him explain.

Tony

I’m ah particularly proud of this. It’s a Pay Parents to Leave scheme. The idea is that once they’ve dropped their kids off we want them to ....... ah .... to ......... to ..... leave. Instead of hanging around here all afternoon (rather than in the kitchen where they belong) shouting ah encouragement to their kids and clapping for every flaming run made, we will pay them to ah ..... go home. I think we can all agree that they are uh they are spoiling the uh ambience of the facilities. Some afternoons, I can hardly hear the ......... uh .......... the television in the bar.

Malcolm

How can we afford this?

Tony

We have devised an ah ..... an ah .... an ELEGANT solution. Every time one of our uh batsmen scores more than twenty-five runs, he puts twenty-five dollars in the kitty. Then he pays a uh a uh levy of one dollar seventy for every ten runs after that.

Unknown (from the back of the room)

No! New! Taxes!

Tony

It’s a levy! It’s a bloody LEVY awright?

Malcolm

That doesn’t sound particularly fair. Isn’t that a financial disincentive to succeeding? I mean, the players aren’t going to like it very much.

Tony

I think you’ve been knocking around with your commie mates over at the ah the ah Association of Lawnbowls Players too long, Mal. The players understand that the decisions we make are for the uh ..... the uh .... greater good. WE are the only ones who can see the big picture and WE are the only ones tough enough to make the hard choices.

Joe

Okay. Item Five. Lowering our carbon footprint. Barnaby, Sophie and Greg have been working together on this. Barnaby?

Barnaby

Cheers Joe. I’m a bit peeved you decided to call your PPL an “elegant” idea Tony, ‘cause I was gonna call this an "elegant" idea. Sort of stole my thunder there. "Elegant" ideas don’t grow on trees you know.

(pause for effect) (none)

Anyway, we did some research and Sophie found that the Chinese are working with an innovative new product called (shuffling papers) called “con-crete”. So what we’re gonna do is rip up that bloody awful grass pitch and put down a maintenance-free con-crete one. Doesn’t need watering, doesn’t need mowing, doesn’t need rolling - I don’t know why no-one’s thought of this before. It’ll pay for itself inside the first year.

Greg

Not only that, we can charge visiting teams a Pitch Maintenance Levy - SHUT UP - it’s a LEVY, so that we can give it a fresh coat of green paint every season.

Barnaby

But wait there’s more!

(pause for effect) (none)

No? Too old? Sorry.

We’ve calculated that if we don’t use the sprinkler system we’ll use less water.

(pause for approval) (not forthcoming)

Gee. Tough house tonight.

If the grass dies, we save on mowing, tractor maintenance, fuel, fertilizer and groundsman’s fees. We just put the sprinklers on the night before a match so the clubhouse doesn’t get covered in dust. Don’t want to spoil the food, do we ladies?

Ladies

(titters)

Sophie

So we will have reduced our carbon output AND saved money.

Malcolm

Bob’s not going to like this.

Barnaby

Bob?

Malcolm

Brown. The groundsman.

Tony

Is he under contract? No? Then sack him. We’re not going to ruin the entire planet just to keep one groundsman happy.

Malcolm

What do the players think about playing in the mud?

Joe

Yeah yeah okay Lefty! Here we go again. Jesus!

Tony

Joe! You know how uh strongly I feel about blasphemy.

Joe

Yeah. About as strongly as you feel about lying, sex outside marriage and throwing children to the sharks!

Tony

Why you fat overblown ..........

Joe

What’s the matter Wingnut? Don’t like it when ..........

Bronwyn

Boys! Don’t make me speak to you again.

Helen

Don’t be too harsh, Bron. You know what WARRIORS are like, they’re just SO strong they can’t help themselves sometimes. I think it’s dreamy.

Malcolm

I see there’s fifteen hundred dollars put aside for mental health. That’s a lot isn’t it?

Joe

I have no doubt that you would know that Andrew has been plagued by the black dog of late and so it was decided on compassionate grounds that the club would put fifteen hundred dollars on to a bar tab for him.

Malcolm

But surely alcohol’s not the solution if he’s suffering from depression?

Tony

No, but we reckon with a bar tab that size, he’s going to have lots more friends! (chuckle)

Joe

While we are talking health, Peter has put in a request for increased funding for the First Aid box. Perhaps you could explain further, Peter.

Peter

Thanks. As the committee is no doubt aware, our general membership is rapidly aging and there has been a concomitant demand for band-aids, ice-packs, pain killers and the like to help alleviate injuries sustained from falls - particularly in the bar. To help fund this expansion of our health care system without raising - SHUT UP - without raising taxes, Warren and I have decided to liquidate some of the new equipment provided to us last year by the state government. To this end we will be selling all new shin-guards, chest protectors, elbow-guards, glove inners and boxes. Barnaby suggested we sell the bats too but we found this harder to justify.

Malcolm

Peter, do you mind if I ask, do you ever have people, you know, complete strangers, come up to you and say they’d like to punch you in the face?

Peter (surprised)

No! Why?

Malcolm

Oh, no reason really, it’s just a bit of a hobby of mine. People’s faces. My Mum used to say when women saw Dean Martin’s face, they had an overwhelming urge to kiss him on the cheek. When men see Clint Eastwood’s face, they want to stand beside him and glare at whoever he’s glaring at - “You feeling lucky punk?” When people see Kevin Rudd’s face they want to spray his glasses with whipped cream. When I look at your face ..............

Peter (eminently punchable)

We. Will. Be. Using. The. Derived. Income. For. The. Benefit. Of. All. Members.

Malcolm

The players are REALLY not going to like this. And aren’t you going to risk higher outlays through players getting injured?

Tony

Let us ah worry about the players. You obviously have no expertise in this field. Once they see the budget is returned to surplus, they’ll come flocking back.

David

Sorry to revisit old ground but if we’re not building the fence, what are we going to do about strange kids using the field?

John

TURN THE BIKES BACK!!

Joe

Thanks John.

Tony

TURN THE BIKES BACK!!

Joe

Bloody hell.

Malcolm

All well and good but some mothers don’t want their kids under their feet all afternoon. And what if they just won’t go?

George (from the back of the room)

What harm are they doing? Surely we’re not afraid of a few kids?

David

It’s not just the fact that they come here. It’s a moral and cultural point of principle. They bring all sorts of baggage with them. Strange clothes. Strange food. Strange music. Ich. Strange perfumes. Strange languages - have you heard the way they talk?

They don’t hold the same values as us and we have a duty to uphold and maintain our culture. They threaten the very foundations on which this club was built by bringing in foreign ideas and heathen practices. Not to mention the footballs, basketballs, soccer balls, sorry, “football” balls, Frisbees, kites and baseballs. We’ve even had GIRLS on the park with SOFTBALLS.

George (from the back of the room)

I still don’t see the problem.

John

WE will decide WHO comes to this oval and the circumstances in which .................

Tony

Yeh thanks John. We ah we like to think we’ve ah we’ve moved on from that sort of talk.

Scott

The Rottweiler Solution!!

Various

Ooh yes.

Of course.

The rottweilers!

Yes, yes.

I like dogs.

Sic ‘em boys!

You’re right Scott.

I prefer cats meself.

Go the Dogs!!

Scott (frothing)

Rend! Tear! Bite! Batter! Maim!

Damage! Disembowel! Devastate! Mutilate!

Mangle! Wreck! Wound!

Crack! Crunch! Cripple!

(pauses for breath)

The ensuing silence is only interrupted by sounds of heavy breathing, subtle rearranging of clothes and foreheads being dabbed dry with lace-edged handkerchiefs.
Scott (spraying foam)

Slash! Gash! Gouge! Split! Spurt!

Ravage! Rupture! Disable! Debilitate! Dissever!

Incapacitate! Eviscerate! Emasculate!

Lacerate! Perforate! Pierce! Puncture! Pulverise!

(sits back, flushed and elated)

Heavy breathing and nervous coughs continue for several minutes.

Bronwyn

Ooh Scott, that was pure poetry. I feel as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Helen

That was just SO naughty! You get an extra scone later for that.

Tony

Scott, that was ah that was most enjoyable. You know I like the Rottweiler Solution but now that I’m ah ..... I’m the Chair of the Klub, I don’t think ah that I can be seen ah running around the oval chasing children.

Scott (still over-excited)

No, no, no! Not you! REAL dogs! Rending and crunching and .......

Sophie

Now now. Don’t get me started again.

Malcolm (smug)

But we don’t have a fence. Remember?

Tony

Oh. True, true. George, any ideas.

George

I think we would be on pretty safe ground if we detained them and held them in the toilet block for a couple of days in order to verify their claims about being children.

As I understand the LPA - the UN’s Little Person’s Act of 2001 - if we find that they have no papers and are therefore, by default, dwarfs pretending to be children, we would be well within our rights to barbeque and eat them.

A stunned silence fills the room.

More than one Member is quietly contemplating the tenderising effect of dog bites. To season or not to season? What would Matt Preston do?

Tony

I’m ah .... I’m ah ..... I’m a bit skeptical about your ah interpretation there ah George. Perhaps you could do a bit more ah research and get back to us.

Let’s leave that for now.

Christopher, how is our ah recruitment drive going?

Christopher

Well it’s good and bad really.

We could do with some more bowlers ..........

John

I bowl a pretty mean right arm orthodox!

Tony

John? John? Where are you? Come out from under the table.

Scott

Orthodox?

Barnaby

I thought you were going to keep a low profile once you left politics?

John

I’m under the table at some second-rate suburban cricket club listening to a bunch of morons rabbiting on about eating small children. How much lower do you want me?

Christopher

I think you may be a bit old for what we’re looking for, Mr Howard.

John

Look. I just want to say that I’m prepared to serve the Klub in any way you see fit.

Joe

Gees. What is it with ex-Prime Ministers?

Christopher

Anyway, as I was saying, we’ve found a couple of good prospects. A quick bowler and a wicketkeeper/batsman who’re showing promise. But ............. but ...

Tony

Out with it boy.

Christopher

Well the only problem is that they are ................... um ......................... they’re Ghanian refugees.

Tony

Oh.

Christopher

Which presents us with a number of philosophical and moral dilemmas. For a start, they are very, um ............. very ............. ah ............. tall.

Ladies

Mmmmm.

Christopher

And incredibly fit and strong.

Ladies

Mmmmmmmmmm.

Christopher

And they are ..................... uh .................... they are uh ............................................ they’re very ........ um .......... black.

Ladies

Oh.

Christopher

Not just, sort of, “every day” black you know? They’re very um ...... very ................. they’re very dark black.

George (from the back of the room)

What’s your point?

Christopher

Well I wouldn’t want them to feel ...... uncomfortable here, that’s all. Everyone else here is of a “normal” height  and  ............ and “ordinary” physique and ...... and ........ “average” skin colour. They might feel .......... inferior in some way.

Tony

That’s very uh considerate of you Christopher, after all they’ve been through, we wouldn’t want to ah add to their uh burden. Perhaps next season when they’ve had more of a chance to assimilate, they might feel a bit more liberal and tolerant.

Joe

So to summarise, Mr Chair, through the savings accrued from not building the perimeter fence, not borrowing to finance the BNS, cutting our workforce by 20%, scaling back our training and education  programmes, opting for "greener" alternatives on the field, liquidating superfluous assets and levying high achievers to fund our PPL scheme, I can safely forecast a budget surplus this year of eleven dollars and fifty cents. Minimum.

(applause)

From the front of an unruly crowd gathered in the doorway, a flame-haired Welsh witch shows off for her mates.

Julia

Hoy! What are you bludgers doing here? We’ve got a meeting tonight, so piss off!

Bronwyn & Helen

Ooh the language.

Tony

Ooh the breasts.

Julia

Go on - on ya bikes! Bloody wannabes.

Tony (shaking his fist)

One of these days, Julia, one of these days.

Julia

In your dreams Phoney.

Tony

Just you wait ‘til the next AGM. We’ve got plans that are gonna cream you.

Julia

Yeah awright Tony. Just don’t slam the door on your way ut.

Julie (hand on Tony’s biceps)

C’mon Iron Man. We’ve got miles to go before we sleep.

Tony

Mm.

Lindsay (examining Joe’s briefing notes)

This bunch couldn’t organise a ***k in a brothel.

Wayne (from the back of the room)(giggling)

No! New! Taxes!