The Horcrux of the Matter

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Friday, 29 July 2011 18:04 by Acerbic Conehead
In the epilogue to “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the last book in the series about the wily young wizard, the author JK Rowling tells us that, after the demise of the evil Lord Voldemort, Harry and Ginny later get married and have three children. Similarly, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger tie the knot and they have two children.

However, the famous author didn’t reveal everything as, eventually, Ron, Hermione and their family later migrate to Australia (as ten-knut Poms).

Not long afterwards, a third little bundle of joy, Julia, arrives to further brighten the Weasley household down under. And the proud parents are delighted that Harry agreed to be the godfather of the newly hatched little witch.

Anyway, five or so years have passed since Julia was born and it is clear to everyone who meets her, she is quite the child prodigy. Harry, meanwhile, has been so busy cleaning up the mess caused by the now-deceased evil Lord Voldemort, he has never had the opportunity to visit Australia and catch up with his old friends. He decides it is time he went Down Under for a holiday. However, knowing that Ron and Hermione are interested in politics, he did a bit of research, before he left England, on recent Australian political developments.

So, eventually, he apparates, or hires a Concord broomstick, or whatever, and heads off to Australia for that well-earned holiday.

Everyone in the Weasley household is ever so pleased to see Harry and the three friends spend lots of hours reminding each other of the many good times, and the not-so-good times they had when they were fighting the Dark Lord. And, like any curious five-year-old, Julia listens in to the adult conversation, wide-eyed and gob-smacked at the fascinating tales surrounding the epic struggles her parents and “Uncle Harry” (as she called him) had against Lord Voldemort.

This particular evening, however, Ron and Hermione take advantage of Harry’s visit and go out for a few butterbeers at their local, the Spilling Billy-Can, leaving him to baby-sit the five-year-old Julia, who had been, that afternoon, at the beach, participating in her learn-to-swim program. Harry is reading the paper on the sofa, with Julia beside him. Julia recognises a man in swimming togs pictured on the front page.

Julia: Uncle Harry?

Harry: Ummm?

Julia: Uncle Harry...I saw that man at the beach today...

[Harry, caught up in reading an article about Rebekah “Bellatrix Lestrange” Brooks, merely gives Julia a patronising, “is that right”, before continuing with his reading. Julia, now bored stiff, heads off to bed. After a while, however, Harry hears a little plaintive cry from upstairs. “Uncle Harry...Uncle Harry...I’m frightened...” He bounds up the stairs and enters Julia’s bedroom. Lying in her bed, Julia’s long Weasley nose and red hair are silhouetted against the dim light emanating from her Kreacher the house-elf comfort lamp.]

Harry: What’s the matter, Julia – had a nasty dream?

Julia: Not really, Uncle Harry...it’s just that I saw something at the beach today that frightened me and I can’t get it out of my mind...The other kids were saying it was one of those hospital crutches that you, mum and dad used to fight against in the olden days...

[Harry is wondering to himself: “whatever is Julia talking about – hospital crutches...hospital crutches...mmmm...”

Just then, Harry has a eureka moment as it dawns on him what she is referring to.]

Harry (triumphantly): Oh, you mean HORCRUXES, Julia! Now, don’t you worry your little head about them...Your Mum and Dad and I, and Dumbledore and Neville, amongst others, destroyed all the horcruxes...There aren’t any more, so don’t worry about them...they’re all well and truly gone...

[For those readers who aren’t familiar with the nature of horcruxes in the Harry Potter series, they are items, living or inanimate, that Lord Voldemort encased parts of his soul in. As long as these horcruxes remained intact, Lord Voldemort maintained his immortality. Harry’s mission, therefore, was to arrange for the destruction of the horcruxes, thereby killing the evil Lord.]

;


Julia: But...but...but...Uncle Harry...you must have missed one...cos I saw it today at the beach!

[Harry laughs out loud, trying to re-assure his god-child there is nothing to fear. He decides he will have to use a bit of poetic licence and some of his recently researched knowledge of Australian politics to list the horcruxes and how they were eliminated.]

Harry: Okay, Julia...to put your mind at rest, I’ll describe how all the horcruxes were destroyed...First, there was Godwin Grech’s email dairy, which we deflated by piercing it with one of the hairpins Bronnie Bishop used to hold together her bee-hive...hee...hee...

Then, there was Gaunt Tony’s three-ring circus, when he was so confused about whether he did or did not support a 5 per cent reduction in his flatulence emissions, everybody concluded he was full of hot air and boycotted his circus, putting him out of business...

And then, later, the infamous Death Eater, Alan Jones got his Tea Party cup smashed, weakening Lord Voldemort’s power even more...

Julia: Erm...how was the cup smashed, Uncle Harry?

Harry: Actually, it was your mum who did that, Julia...You see, your dad made one of his gross male chauvinist remarks and your mum threw it at him...Luckily he ducked in time and it hit the wall instead...hee...hee...

And the next horcrux we destroyed was the locket that Mark Scott of the ABC wore around his neck...Every time he opened it – which was every second minute – it blared out, “The Leader of the Federal Opposition said...”

Your Dad actually gummed up its works, literally, by pouring superglue over its clasp...heh...heh...

And then there was “Lord” Monckton’s diadem – he was another death-eater who had tickets on himself by claiming he was a member of the House of Lords...

Julia: And what happened to him, Uncle Harry?

Harry: Oh, the last I heard, Julia, he got banged up in the Tower of London by the Queen, for impersonation...Then, she beat the crap out of his diadem with that big sword she knights people with...That made it safe from Lord Voldemort’s evil soul, and then she gave it to Kate Middleton as a wedding present...

Julia: Oh, that’s lovely, Uncle Harry...And, by the way, did you know I have a diadem as well? Though mine hasn’t got real diamonds – it was a present from Uncles Fred and George when they were getting rid of old stock from their Diagon Alley jokes’ and trinkets’ shop, Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes...

But, Uncle Harry, I’m still frightened...Are you sure you got all those horrid-thingies?

Harry: Yes, of course, Julia. Now, as I was saying, the next horcrux we had to deal with was an old pair of trakkie-daks, belonging to Lord Voldemort, which he didn’t want. There was a lightning-shaped rip in them, but, because I lived in the cupboard under the stairs, and was so poor, I had to wear them, as I had nothing else. Eventually, I grew out of them and chucked them in the fire, as even the Salvos wouldn’t take them...

Then, we destroyed the last horcrux item when that slimy snake, Declan Stephenson, crawled out from under his rock and started to stalk some of the female students at Hogwarts...So, we hid his rock, giving him no-where to hide and Hagrid’s hippogriff, Buckwheat, had him for a snack...heh...heh...

So, that brings me to the part of the story when we destroyed the last of the horcruxes – Lord Voldemort’s own body! And it was your Mum and Dad, Julia, who helped organise his downfall when, in 2007, they were the leading lights in Bennelong and he finally got kicked out...So, you see, Julia, all the horcruxes have gone, so you have nothing to worry about...So, get yourself a good night’s sleep and you’ll feel a lot better in the morning...

Julia: But...but...but...Uncle Harry...I’m telling you – the kids at the beach said the man in the paper was wearing one of those hor-thingies!

[By this stage, Harry is totally exasperated.]

Harry: Right, Julia! Now, just tell me again exactly what the other kids said...

Julia: They were pointing to his bathers and saying, “Euwwww...yuk...what a horrible crotch!”



[Harry stifles a loud guffaw at Julia’s expense. “Out of the mouths of babes”, he says to himself.]

Harry: Okay, Julia, your Mum and Dad and I are going down to the beach tomorrow with our wands and we’ll soon put paid to that nasty horcrux...and after that, I’ll get onto the floo network to JK Rowling herself – I reckon this has got the makings of another book and follow-up movie...lol...