The Rugby World Cup is in full swing in New Zealand and all the spectators, global TV viewers and radio listeners are having a ball.
And, keen to get some political mileage from the event, in Australia Julia Gillard has organised a PM’s XV to play an exhibition game at the Woop Woop “Stimpac” Stadium, against an Opposition XV.
Tony Abbott has gladly accepted the challenge, as, due to the pressure of his big mortgage, he could badly do with his match fee.
The game is close to getting underway and the co-commentators for the radio broadcast are Dennis “Shanners” Shanahan and Mike “Carlo” Carlton.
Shanners: G’day listeners...and welcome to our commentary on the big game which will start pretty soon...But, Carlo, it really was a stupid idea to refurbish this old ramshackle place, in such an out-of-the-way location, wasn’t it?
Carlo: G’day from me also, listeners...And no, I don’t agree, Shanners...You know I’m a big fan of Kevin Rudd, so his Stimpac Plan was fine by me...I’m not going to knock it, so just let’s keep politics out of sport for once, shall we?
Shanners: Oh, I agree totally, Carlo – you know how objective I am on political matters...heh...heh...
[The friendly banter between Shanners and Carlo is interrupted by the response of a particular segment of the crowd to the on-field entry of, firstly, the PM’s XV.]
Shanners (deadpan): Yes...typically, these one-eyed true believers have given their team a rousing reception...But, Carlo, I notice the cheer-squad, led by Mary Jo Fisher and Melissa Clarke, turned their backs on the lefties and treated them with the contempt they deserved...
Carlo: But, what do you expect, Shanners, from shills like those two...and look...see what I mean – the Opposition XV is now coming out and Mary Jo is doing the hokey pokey, whilst Melissa is manically waving her pom-poms and jumping for joy...sheesh!
[Shanners wears a smirk that Peter Costello would have been proud of, but decides it’s better to change the subject.]
Shanners: Now, listeners...it’s clear that Tony Abbott, the captain of the Opposition XV is truly a multi-skilled character...I’ve heard that he’s doubled up today as groundsman and painted the lines on the field with some guano that he brought back from Nauru...
Carlo: Huh...I heard he had to moonlight as a groundsman to help meet his big mortgage payments...hee...hee...But, Shanners, moving right along...is there any information you can give our listeners on the make-up of the teams today?
Shanners: Funny you should say that, Carlo, but I’ve got a summary right here in front of me...I’ve heard that, due to his recent heart operation, your mate Kev will start on the bench...And, for the Opposition, Barnaby Joyce is a sure starter on the wing – in fact, I hear he’s really pumped up to make a big impression...
Carlo: Huh...I hear he wants to finish as the top point-scorer, cos the sponsors have put up an amphibious four-wheel-drive as the prize...heh...heh...But, what’s this I hear about Rupie Murdoch, Shanners – is it true he’s not playing?
Shanners: Yeah, I’m afraid you’re right, Carlo...it seems he’s gotta front the Tribunal in London for some dodgy business he allegedly got up to on the Opposition XV’s last tour of the Old Dart...
Carlo: Pity that, Shanners...haw...haw...But, what about the Opposition’s key player in the front row of the scrum?
Shanners: Oh, you mean Joe Hockey?
Carlo: Yeah, the one with the great big black hole – you sure gotta feel sorry for the poor bastards who are packing down behind him – euwwwww!
Shanners: Oh, very droll, Carlo...Now, can you give our listeners any ideas on some of the crucial match-ups from both sides?
Carlo: Yes, Shans...I see a good prospect of biffo happening between Stephen Conroy and Malcolm Turnbull, over who’s wearing the widest Broadband across their foreheads...And another strong stoush is likely between David Johnston and Stephen Smith as to which pack will have the strongest Defence...
Shanners: Okay, thanks Carlo for that heads-up...Now, let’s go down, listeners, to pitch-side and hear something from our roving reporter down there, Chris Uhlmann...
Chris: Yeah, thanks guys...Well, there’s been a lot happening pre-match down here, while you were chewing the fat in the commentary box...First, the Opposition’s official witch-doctor, Phil Ruddock, has been spreading his Juju all over the paddock, ensuring, we hope, a great Opposition victory...And then we had an explosive incident when one of the Opposition squad, Sophie Mirabella, questioned the referee over the bona fides of the PM’s XV’s captain, Julia Gillard herself...I’ll just play you a tape of the altercation...
Sophie: Hey, Ref!! I reckon this player here is a ring-in!! On the team-sheet she says she’s Julia Gillard...but I reckon she looks more like Col Gadaffi...heh...heh...
Carlo: Oh, it looks like the mind games have started already, Chris...
Chris: They sure have, Carlo...And I also had an opportunity earlier to interview the Opposition captain, Tony Abbott, and this is what he had to say in answer to my question about their likely over-physical approach to the game...
Tones: Look, Chris, I know we’ve got a reputation of being a pack of mongrels who are lower than a snake’s belly, but, in all honesty, today we’ll be going in very fairly – utilising a kinder, gentler polity, so to speak...
Chris: WTF!! You’ve gotta be kidding, Tones – how can a leopard change its spots that quickly?
Tones: Erm...don’t worry, Chris…it’s just another one of my unscripted remarks…hee...hee...
Shanners: Thanks, Chris...Now, while you were playing us that tape, it appears the two teams are ready for the kick-off, and the Opposition are doing their unique version of the All Blacks’ Haka...Talk us through it, Chris...
Chris: Okay...First, Tones calls it the Whacka...So, the Opposition players have lined up across the paddock, facing the PM’s players, nodding and staring bizarrely, shit-happens-style, each brandishing menacingly above their heads a shovel borrowed from Kathy Jackson’s shed...
Shanners: Jeeze, Chris, I’m packing it and I’m way up here out of harm’s way! What must the PM players be feeling at the moment...heh...heh...
Chris: But...but...but...there seems to be a surprising innovation introduced by the Leader of the Opposition team at this juncture...Yes, Tony Abbott has just pulled down his budgie smugglers and is brown-eying the other tream! But, what’s that on his bum...hmmmm...it looks like a tattoo of sorts...
Carlo: Yes, I’m looking at it through the binos, Chris...it says, “arse for sale – big mortgage owed”...
[As the President of Tony Abbott’s fan-club, Chris quickly decides to change the subject. However, before doing so, he hands out clip-on mics to the main players, so that Shanners’ and Carlo’s commentary during the game can be spiced up a bit.
The game starts, but, unfortunately at the first maul, Bronny Bishop comes a cropper and has to be carted off.]
Shanners: Oh, that’s a bad stroke of luck for the Opposition XV, Chris...can you throw any light on what happened?
Chris: Well, Shans...the PM’s people say that one of their players mistook Bronny’s beehive for the ball, and nearly wrenched her scone off her shoulders...but I don’t think it was done accidentally at all...the bastards...grrrrrr...
Carlo: Hey, Chris – does that mean Bronny’s off for an early kero bath...heh...heh...
[The Opposition side bring on a sub but, within a short while, it’s the PM’s side which has to make a change of its own.]
Shanners: Chris, it looks like Mark Arbib got dragged by the coach – I didn’t think he was playing that badly...what’s your take on the issue?
Chris: Yeah, he wasn’t playing that badly at all, Shanners...However, he was playing the wrong code, the silly bugger...He thought he was a quarterback in American Football and kept getting pinged for chucking the ball up the field!
Shanners: Erm, sorry to interrupt you there, Chris, but the Opposition team have scored a try, and it was by their speedy right-winger, Scott “Ban the Boats” Morrison...But...but...but...what is he doing now? My-oh-my, he’s doing a most unusual post-try celebration...he’s down on all fours, sniffing the guano line, Robbie Fowler-style...Jeeze, doesn’t he just love that guano stuff!
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[Play re-starts and the Opposition’s rough-house tactics are very evident. One of the PM team’s players catches a “stray” fist in the nuts, but, heroically, keeps on running.]
Shanners: Ouch! That must have hurt!
Carlo: Nah, he’ll be alright – he’s got his Doug on...
Shanners: Erm...what’s a “Doug” when you’re writing home, mate?
Carlo: Why, his jock-strap – his Doug Cameron!
[Shanners notices a bit of sledging going on off the ball between Penny Wong and Andrew Robb. He switches on their clip-on mics to get a first-hand delivery of what’s being said. It seems that Penny had just been charging up and down the field and is totally knackered.]
Penny: Phew! Wheeze!
Andrew: Huh...you sound like you’re practicing the breathing instructions you’re gonna give your partner whenever she’s trying to pop her sprog...heh..heh...
Shanners (interrupting): And it’s another try for the Opposition XV! And this time it’s scored by Glenn Milne...He went on one of his trademark weaving runs and crashed over the line...
Carlo: Yeah, he seems to have re-discovered his old Walkley Awards form...heh...heh...
[After the re-start, the Opposition’s onslaught continues apace. They have obviously been working on their rolling maul in training, as they are carrying the ball forward like it was a lump of weightless coal.
Then, Tones is given a pass just in front of the other team’s posts and he clinically slots over one of his specialities – a “guided democracy” drop-goal.
But, every time Jooles touches the ball, the Revolting People in the Forgotten Families enclosure boo her roundly and wave their chaff bags at her. The half-time whistle can’t come quick enough for the dejected PM’s XV, and, in the safety of the change-rooms, Jooles decides on a radical strategy – she’ll bring off the bench three of the Indo substitutes, hoping they’ll spark a reaction that’ll bring her team back into the game.
The second half starts and, almost immediately, the introduction of “Kaboom” Katter, “Towering” Oakeshott, and “Whippet” Windsor appears to be working.
Firstly, at an Opposition put-in scrum, just before their scrum-half, Greg Hunt, delivers the ball in, Jooles, on the other side of the scrum, pulls a Jesters’ pie out of her pocket and chucks it in. Joe Hockey, the Opposition hooker, drops his bind and dives on it immediately, just before the ball enters. Wayne Swann, the PM team’s hooker, takes advantage of Joe’s lack of discipline and wins one against the head, and feeds the ball back to his No. 8, “Towering” Oakeshott, who peels off the rear of the scrum, and delivers the ball to his backs who expertly engineer a well-worked try.]
Carlo: Nice one! Well played, the PM’s team! Yes listeners, that was a great CO2-induced move – the Opposition didn’t even get to within a sniff of it...heh...heh...
[Then, shortly afterwards, the grief being suddenly being felt by the Opposition side only exacerbates. George Brandis (SCum) has to retire hurt, after blaming Robert McClelland for embracing his Brandy Balls in a sly squirrel-grip in a scrum.
And next a poodle runs on to the ground. Shanners turns on Christopher Pyne’s mic, so that the audience can listen in.]
Chris: Hey, Jooles...here’s your identical twin coming – another back-alley bitch...heh...heh...
[However, the poodle by-passes Jooles and climbs on Pyney instead, vigorously humping his leg.]
Carlo: Heh...heh...it looks like it takes one to know one...
[And things are not going too well for the Opposition in the line-out either. The ball is thrown into the channel by Swannie and Penny Wong springs up like a cat, expertly catching it and delivering it to her scrum-half. Meanwhile, dejectedly, the Opposition lock, David Bushby, can only meekly retort a pitiful “miow” in response.
Shortly afterwards, in another ruck in front of his posts, John Alexander pulls Jooles by the ear-lobes, causing the ruck to collapse. The ref, Harry Jenkins, blows immediately for a penalty. Gleefully, Carlo switches on John’s mic.]
John: Shit! When we get into power, we’ll bring in a rule change and outlaw these bloody penalty rates! Sheesh!
[Subsequently, for the PM’s team, it’s a bit of a cake-walk. They turn on the style, scoring try after try. Whilst their delirious supporters mockingly chant “ole”, they expertly carry out, with military precision, all their training-ground-rehearsed party tricks, including the NBN (“Nice Ball-handling Numbers”), and the BER (“Barnstorming Explosive Runs”), and the PPL (“Perfect Pinch at the Lineout”), and MRRT (“Marvellous Rip-Roaring Tries”), and finally the mighty HIS (“Heaving Impetus at the Scrum”).
The final whistle goes and the Opposition team dejectedly mills around the centre, hoping that the post-game presentations will be as short as possible.
As the winning captain, Jooles is presented with a nice bouquet of flowers, whilst Tones is chucked a wreath, which he promptly drops on the ground, storming off petulantly to the change-rooms.]
Jooles: Oh, poor petal...heh...heh...
[No sooner has Tones entered the change-rooms, than an almighty racket can be heard, making a bull in a china-shop sound like a meditating Zen Buddhist monk.]
Jooles: Huh...sounds like he’s wrecking the place...Oh, well, it looks like paying his big mortgage won’t be the only financial outgoing he’ll have to wear...heh...heh...
[Meanwhile, up in the commentary-box, Shanners is ready to do a runner.]
Carlo: Leaving already, Shanners? I thought you and Chris would be hanging round for a few slices of humble pie...heh...heh...
Shanners: Erm...can’t really stay, old boy...Must get back to the office toot sweet...I’ve got a few previous editorials to shred before the witch can start that bloody media inquiry...Ciao!
