The Coalition’s adverse reaction to spelling out its policies, and accurately costing them, has caused them to enter, as another stunt and diversion, the Tour de Nile cycle race.
However, Tony “Holy Moses” Abbott, Andrew “Aaron” Robb and the rest of the Coalition Chosen People peloton have taken a wrong turn and are a bit lost in the wilderness, somewhere near Mt Sinai.
Unfortunately, their supplies of caviar-on-manna and quails’ eggs have run out and everyone is so pissed off, they stop at the foot of the sacred mountain and refuse to go any further until Moses and Aaron sort out, once and for all, the lack of policies, and grub, situations. So, the dynamic duo decide that, for self-preservation purposes, they need to get away for a while. They swap their racers for a pair of mountain-bikes and head up the holy hill, shouting back to the disgruntled throng that they will be back as soon as possible with some solutions to their problems. As usual, Moses is wearing his trade-mark budgie smugglers.
As Moses and Aaron wind their way up Mt Sinai, Moses’ superior fitness levels come to the fore and he approaches the summit on his own, with Aaron struggling a bit on a treacherous goat-track further below.
However, unknown to the Coalition, the CSIRO (“Crappy Scientists Involved with Rooting us Over”) had secretly set up, on the summit of Mt Sinai, a clandestine testing station, to see if their newly-invented fire retardant spray would work. In effect, the CSIRO project was prompted by a recent surge of fire-bugging in the Australian bush and their ingenious solution involved spraying the specially-designed liquid over a bush, which, even when set alight, wouldn’t stop the vegetation form burning, but would at least prevent it from being consumed, so that even in spite of the fire, it would live to fight another day and thereby soak up some more of that nasty CO2.
But, due to budget cuts, the so-called “testing facility”, comprising a hammer and chisel (for the researcher to create a hole to do his/her business in) plus a hand-pump for them to re-inflate the tyres on their bike for the return trip down the mountain, is somewhat limited. Also, the remote overseas location of Sinai was chosen to avoid scrutiny and claims from the Opposition of another “debacle” by the Gillard government.
Anyway, Pharaoh Julia was so intrigued by the whole idea of protecting the bush from evil, match-wielding vandals, she ordered the Climate Change Minister himself, Gregory of Combet, to personally conduct the experiment.
Fortunately for the smooth operation of Pharaoh Julia’s plan, just before the Coalition Chosen People had arrived at the foot of Mt Sinai, Greg had made his way up there on his bike and was busily spraying an unsuspecting bush he found at the summit. He is just about to set fire to it, to see the result, when he spots Moses just below the summit, head-down, lathered in grime and sweat, trying to stand on the pedals, in a super-human attempt to cycle all the way to the top. “Heh...heh...” Greg chuckles to himself. “I think I’m going to have some fun here”. He sets fire to the bush and secrets himself behind it, out of Moses’ view.
Moses: Whew! Jeeze, that was tough! Well, I suppose this training is worth it – think of how fast I’ll be able to cycle away from press conferences when they ask me how long into my first term of office it will be before I wind the Tax Free Allowance back again to $6000...hee...hee...
[Then, out of the side of his weary eye, Moses notices a strange and wondrous sight – a bush is burning and it doesn’t seem to be getting burnt out! He props his bike up against a rock and gingerly approaches, trying to make out what scam, akin to global warming itself, is going on here. “Hmmm...” Moses says to himself. “Maybe this is where the lefties store all their surplus pink batts, and the bloody buggers have self-ignited...heh...heh...”
Suddenly, however, Moses is stopped in his tracks by the sound of a booming voice that appears to emanate from within this strange burning bush.]
Voice: STOP THE APPROACHING!!! YOU ARE ON SACRED GROUND HERE!!! IT IS I, THE LORD, WHO SPEAKS...AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, REMOVE YOUR BICYCLE CLIPS!!!
[Moses, awe-struck and fear-smitten by this seemingly other-worldly vision, reaches down very slowly to remove his non-pc bicycle clips.]
The LORD: AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING BICYCLE CLIPS ANYWAY, YOU MAGGOT – HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED YOU ARE CLOTHED ONLY IN SKIMPY SWIMMING ATTIRE?
Moses: Erm...it’s really only through force of habit, O Great One...you see, as Leader of the Opposition, I’m never sure when goddam shit is going to happen next...
[Greg seizes another opportunity to play with Moses’ mind, or body to be more exact. He takes up the bicycle pump supplied by the CSIRO and delivers a blast of air through the burning bush, sending a flaming jet at Moses, singeing the hairs on his feet. As Moses is so hairy, making his ancestor, Esau, look like a billiard ball in comparison, it takes a while for him the douse the flames on his unfortunate plates of meat. Eventually, he manages to extinguish the conflagration on his poor trotters and angrily confronts this sadist of a sage-bush.]
Moses: Hey, what was that for?
The LORD: WHY, YOU USED THE S-WORD IN MY PRESENCE, YOU DISRESPECTFUL WRETCH – THAT CONTRAVENES ONE OF MY TEN COMMANDMENTS – THE ONE THAT SAYS “THOU SHALT NOT PUT THE NUMBER ONE LORD THY GOD ON A PAR WITH NUMBER TWO’S”...
[For his sins, Moses receives another blast of flames, this time singeing the copious amounts of hair on his legs. He quickly rolls in the dirt to extinguish them. However, in a pathetic and obsequious attempt to escape any further servings of the LORD’s wrath, Moses prattles on sycophantically.]
Moses: Erm...O Great One...now that you mention the Ten Commandments, are you going to give me a set – that mutinous lot down at the bottom of the hill could do with something to make them pull up their socks...
The LORD: NAH, TOO LATE MATE...I COPYRIGHTED THE TEN COMMANDMENTS A WHILE AGO TO ANOTHER BLOKE...
Moses: Huh...that wouldn’t stop Julie Bishop...hee...hee...Or that old pointy-proboscis Pharaoh Gillard – she broke copyright on Bono’s UN speech, y’know!
The LORD: BLASPHEMER!!! YOU HAVE JUST BROKEN ANOTHER OF MY TEN COMMANDMENTS – “THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE PHARAOH!!”
Moses: But...but...but...it’s not false witness – it’s as obvious as the nose on her face...hee...hee...
[Again, Moses’ inability to keep his trap shut incurs The LORD’s almighty wrath – he receives another blast, courtesy of the bicycle pump, this time singing his hairs on his chest. To put out the flames, he rolls over the rocks so many times, he looks like he is doing an Elvis impersonation.
Then, to change the subject, Moses, who hasn’t seen his family for a while due to his incessant bike-riding, asks The LORD about the welfare of his father-in-law, Jethro Howard, the goat-herder.]
The LORD: WHY, THAT LOSER!! THE LAST I SAW OF HIM, HE WAS PADDLING ACROSS THE NILE IN A LEAKY VESSEL, WITH HIS FLOCK OF ADULT AND BABY GOATS ON BOARD...
Moses: So, what happened, LORD...did he not get a good price for them on the other side?
The LORD: NAH, IT WAS WORSE THAN THAT – HE DECIDED THE HEAP OF JUNK WASN’T GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE, SO HE DITCHED SOME OF HIS CARGO...
Moses: You...you...you...don’t mean...he threw the kids overboard!!??
The LORD: GOT IT IN ONE!! OH, AND BY THE WAY, MOSES, I WANT YOU TO USE YOUR INFLUENCE WITH THE AUSTRALIAN TO GET REBEKAH A POSITION...
Moses: Wow!! Rebekah Brooks!! It would be my pleasure, LORD!! She’s a real good loyal girl and would fit in well at the OZ...and, wink, wink, she’s a bit of a looker, as well, LORD...heh...heh...
The LORD: SINNER!!! HOW DARE YOU BREAK ANOTHER OF MY TEN COMMANDMENTS – “THOU SHALT NOT COVET YOUR NEIGHBOUR, RUBERT’S, TROUBLE AND STRIFE!!”
[For his troubles, Moses cops another blast, this time removing all that’s left of the hair on his head. He sticks his nearly dead, buried and cremated cranium in a nearby rabbit-hole to extinguish the flames. By this stage, moreover, Moses has had a gut-full of this crazy flame-throwing cactus. He verbally lets fly.]
Moses (angrily): Right, you...I’ve just about had it up to here with this treatment...I’m just gonna get on my bike and cycle outta here...you know just what you can do with your bloody Ten Commandments...
The LORD: NOW, NOW MOSES...DON’T BE SO HASTY...AS I SAID, I GAVE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS TO SOME OTHER JOKER...SO, JUST HANG AROUND FOR ANOTHER WHILE AND I’LL HAVE SOMETHING EVEN BETTER FOR YOU...
[Immediately, Moses hears, from the burning bush, the sound of a hammer and chisel working away. Then, after a while, a tablet of stone, with some writing on it, is blithely chucked over. Luckily, Moses catches it before it hits the deck and smashes. He has a read: “Hmmm...THE 40 POLICIES”. Moses, however, just counts the policies, without reading them.]
Moses: Hey, LORD...there’s only 20 here...where’s the others?
[Without further delay, another stone tablet is chucked over, completing the set. “Yippee”, says Moses to himself, “I can now go down to the Coalition Forgotten Family at the bottom of the mountain and pretend I came up with these all by myself! But, I can also tell them The LORD inspired me, which will lend them more gravitas than Paul Kelly pours over his meat and three veg...heh...heh...”
Then, just at that moment, Andrew “Aaron” Robb breathlessly appears at the top of the mountain. He had pushed his bike up the last few hundred metres.]
Aaron: Whew!! I thought I’d never make it!! And, by jove, I’m starving into the bargain...I could do with a feed after that energy-sapping ascent...
[Aaron has a look around and spots, in front of a ready-made barbeque, what he thinks is something to cook. He grabs it, only for “it” to emit an unholy host of four-letter-word expletives.]
Moses: WTF!!! Aaron, you dork!!! Can’t you see it’s me?
Aaron (disappointedly): Oh, it’s only you, Moses...And there was I thinking I had a well-plucked turkey for dinner...But, never mind, brother...I’ll just pull this old, yellowed, dog-eared envelope from my pocket and
I’ll write you out 40 policies on the back of it, for you to bring down to those ungrateful drongos...
Moses (elatedly): There’s no need for that, Aaron...I’ve already got them on these two tablets of stone here...
[The two now-pumped-up Patriarchs re-inflate their tyres and, each with a stone tablet under an arm, head off at a rate of knots down Mt Sinai. However, they took off in such haste, they didn’t hear the mocking laughter emanating from the still-burning bush.
Upon reaching the bottom, Moses and Aaron witness the sight of an even worse rabble than what they remembered before they went up the sacred mountain. Neither of the patriarchs can believe their eyes. The Coalition Chosen People are bowing down and worshipping a statue of Malcolm “Mammon” Turnbull!
Moses grabs the other tablet off Aaron, ready to read The 40 Policies to the back-sliders and get them back on the straight and narrow, when he suddenly hesitates. He has just read the first Policy: “We will bring back a version of WorkChoices, so draconian, it would make the conditions of the Prodigal Son in the pig-sty look like the Garden of friggin’ Eden”. Moses lets out a wail of anguish, even more heart-rending than that of the Egyptians after the Angel of Death passed over. He throws the tablets to the ground, smashing them to bits, and shakes his fist angrily at the summit of Mt Sinai. He then turns to the assembled Mammon-worshippers.]
Moses: Why, you ungrateful wretches!! Here I am ready to lead you to the Promised Land of Canaanberra, with our 40 Policies, and you betray me by worshipping Mammon Malcolm...sheesh!!
[A voice from the Mammon worshippers pipes up.]
Voice: If we’re ever gonna get to Canaanberra, Moses, we think we stand a better chance under Mammon Malcolm...so just rack off!!
[Moses sadly ambles over to his racing bike and mounts it.]
Moses: Righto, then guys...You coming, Aaron?
Aaron: Erm...I don’t think so, brother...I think I’ll just take my chances with Mammon’s mob...
Moses (sarcastically): Fine, thanks “brother”! Looks like I’m back in contention for winning first place in the Tour de Nile, then...
