Question Time in the House of Representatives was a bit demure this week, so both sides decided to come back for a bit of overtime and try to get one over on the other. However, the extra session was no sooner underway when Tony ‘King Louie’ Abbott and his troop of monkeys ensured it resembles the set of the animated movie, ‘The Jungle Book’
Accompanying ‘King Louie’ Abbott, there is ‘Gorilla’ Joe Hockey; Julie ‘Owl Monkey’ Bishop; Christopher ‘Chatter Monkey’ Pyne; Kevin ‘Howler Monkey’ Andrews; Greg ‘The Gibbon’ Hunt; Scott ‘Mandril’ Morrison; Andrew ‘The Ape’ Robb; Bronny ‘Baboon’ Bishop; and Peter ‘Drill’ Dutton.
The Speaker, Harry ‘Bagheera’ Jenkins, is definitely not tolerating any monkey business. He has chucked the whole simian lot of them out. Their antics included such stunts as emitting high-pitched screeches every time a minister got up to speak; mooning their red arses at the government front bench; pinching Julia Gillard’s handbag and hiding it in Gorilla Joe’s great big black hole (or down the front of King Louie’s speedos); running over the benches, defecating thereupon, and heaving the steaming proceeds at the members opposite, shouting in unison, “SHIT HAPPENS!!!!”. But the last straw for Bagheera was them taking turns to swing on the Prime Minister’s ample earlobes. After this unpardonable travesty of parliamentary decorum, he told them to sling their hooks, whilst Jooles temporarily retired to the sick-bay to get a packet of band-aids for her sorely-tested dangly bits.
So, King Louie and his troop of simian silly-buggers are out in the corridor and don’t know what to do with themselves. Then, ambling slowly in their direction, carefully inspecting the portraits of former politicians hanging on the walls, is obviously a primary school student on an educational visit who seems to have become separated from his teacher and classmates.
King Louie: Hey, g’day kid! Where are you from?
Kid: Why, my name is Mogli and I’m originally from Sri Lanka...
[At this revelation, an eighty-second noggin-nodding pause ensues from King Louie. Eventually, King Louie’s nods get so violent, his neck does a hammy, and so he attempts to reassert some resemblance of coherence]
King Louie: Mogli? Sri Lanka? You’re not a reffo off one of those bloody leaky boats, are you?
Mogli: Why, I am actually...we fled the civil war there and the only way we could get here was by sea...
[Background chattering emanates from the simians. Derogatory epithets such as, “bloody reffos”, “queue jumpers”, “towel-heads”, “job stealers”, are spat at Mogli]
Mogli: In fact, my father was killed in the fighting and my mother and I now live in Queensland...She is a doctor and is at the moment treating the cyclone victims at Cairns Base Hospital...
[An embarrassed silence falls on the simians, broken eventually by further questioning of the lad by King Louie]
King Louie: Erm...right...So, kid, why are you here in Parliament House? This place must be as boring as visiting your grandma’s and your grandad has scoffed all the ice-cream just before you arrive...heh...heh...
Mogli: No, it’s not like that at all. You see, I want to be a politician when I grow up...I’m here to seek information and inspiration for my future vocation...I want to make a difference for the greater good of my adopted country and the world...I want to champion the cause of the downtrodden, the unfortunate...to soar with the democratic eagle...to walk with the wounded starling...to bring about peace and harmony with the environment...to...
[Mogli goes on with his address, a speech that, if given by Barack Obama, would make the latter sound like Mr Gobbledegook sucking a gobstopper. King Louie is mesmerised (as is Julie ‘Owl Monkey’ Bishop, incidentally) and can hardly speak coherently as he replies, starry-eyed, to Mogli]
King Louie: Oh my god!!! I’m speechless!!! I’m lost for words...There’s nothing else for it but to sing my favourite song:
Now I'm the king of the flingers’ mob
Oh, the jungle VIP
We’re called that, cos we get flung out
Ev’ry time QT’s on TV
I wanna be a statesman, mancub
And stroll right into town
And be just like the other statesmen
I'm tired of monkeyin' around!
Oh, oo bee doo
I wanna be like you
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
Time to renew
An ape like me
Can learn to be gospel true
Now don't try to kid me, mancub
I’ll make a deal with you
What I desire is heaps of power
To make my dreams come true
If you get elected, mancub
Pull me outa my blues
Get the Indos to come alongside with me
And I’ll make you a minister too
I wanna be like you
I wanna talk like you
Walk like you, too
‘Tis gospel true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
Can learn to be
Like someone like me!
[After the simians settle down, Gorilla Joe pipes up]
Joe: Hey kid, I see you’ve got a nice heavy lunchbox there...anything nice inside – cos I’m starving!
[Mogli opens up his lunchbox to reveal some food items that are, subsequent to the damage caused in Queensland by Cyclone Yasi, as precious as gold-dust – a bunch of bananas!]
Mogli: Yes, as you can see, I’ve got some bananas – they are just about the last ones to be picked before the cyclone hit...and some of my classmates lost everything in the disaster and can’t even afford to bring lunch with them...So I’ll go and find them to share my bananas...
[At the sight of bananas, the simians, Pavlov-monkey-style, go berserk. Led by King Louie, who has suddenly lost his new-found humanitarian gravitas, they snatch the fruit from Mogli’s lunchbox and barnstorm up the corridor fighting to the death over every tiny morsel. As the racket gradually diminishes into the background, a funereal stillness envelopes the place and Mogli sits down, overwhelmed with sadness at the crass behaviour he has just witnessed. Then, he is tapped on the shoulder by a hand-bag-carrying lady with long earlobes that are covered in bandaids]
Jooles: What’s the matter, little tacker – lost your school-mates?
[Mogli recounts the terrible story of the simian looters scoffing his bananas]
Jooles: Look, mate, don’t worry...cos in this big handbag, I’ve got a great big bunch of bananas that I bought at the Parliamentary canteen and you can have the lot for yourself and your mates...
Mogli: Wow! You are so kind, ma’am...they must have cost you a fortune – with the scarcity of bananas now after the cyclone...
Jooles: Nah, mate...the money didn’t come out of my pocket...That’s the advantage of being Prime Minister – you get to put on great big new tax levies to pay for things...heh...heh...
Mogli: Just like the other side did on about six separate occasions?
Jooles: Very good, little mate...You might only be eight years of age, but I think I might have a pre-selection for you at the next election...You would be more than a fair match for Wyatt Roy in Longman...two can play at that baby-faced game...heh...heh...
Questions for further reflection:
- Should the ringleaders of rowdy kindergarten classes view Question Time, so that they can really see what playing up looks like?
- When Joe Hockey asks a stupid question of the government is it called a Dory n’ Chipszer?
- Should the Speaker be issued with a taser and a bonus system every time he hits Christopher Pyne in the nuts with it?
- Whenever a member is ejected, should the speaker have the authority to substantially deduct from their pay?
- Should a Member only get the ‘nod from the Speaker’ during Question Time if they are able to do a perfect demonstration of Tones’ metronome dome movement?
Let us know what you think.